Still though, I realize it is this attitude, had I not gone, that will eventually conquer the strengths I have made in connecting with my fears and overcoming them. Today after sitting at my computer I decided I need to go and stop making excuses. I made the decision and nothing was going to get in my way.

I headed down the road and got to the StarBucks, but the whole way down I could feel my mind validating reasons I should not go. I kept saying I’d stop for gas and if it was too crowded then there would be no point in going in. Then I thought about maybe going to the one in Millington, because I’m familiar with that one. I knew that these damaging thoughts were wrong and familiar was not a good thing but a hindrance to my progression as a man.

When I arrived it wasn’t that busy. Although there was a HS girls softball team residing at the outside tables. I was a bit surprised, but all the same I was there and going to make a stand against AA (approach anxiety). Even when I arrived I sat in my truck for a few minutes and I tried to call my friend Jasmin just so I wouldn’t feel so alone while I was there. She didn’t answer, she hasn’t answered in two weeks. I called my friend Kevin, he was putting his baby to sleep. I said to hell with it and was going to go for it.

It’s strange because I don’t usually suffer from AA that bad anymore. Especially when I don’t think about it, but for some reason tonight was different. Tonight I was facing serious anxiety and I don’t know why. It was like I was building up not to go, making excuses for myself. Even my calling friends were myself grasping at straws. By God I was going to do whatever it takes to beat it.

When I finally decided to get out of the truck, two very cute girls, both wearing dresses get out next to me and head inside. OK so this was going to be my motivation. They stood in line and I stood behind them. I felt awkward and not right, but I stood there anyway. I decided that I needed to move next to them so I did. I’m not sure why but by moving so I was parallel instead of behind it eased my mind a bit.

I ordered my Cafe Estima Grande Black and I saw a girl I had previously opened in the Millington StarBucks working the drive through. I didn’t even smile, but just looked straight ahead and avoided eye contact. I should have at least said hello. I can look back and say it was honestly loud in there, but on the other hand I can also say I wasn’t projecting my natural deep voice.

I go over to the couch and I call my friend Mark in WV. He is playing WOW like usual. The game has consumed his life, but that’s another post. I get talking to Mistel, his girlfriend and I can barely hear her. The speaker is right above me. I decide to change seats to one right opposite where I was sitting. I do and notice another whole unoccupied seating area outside with only the two cute girls from earlier. I decide OK I’m a man, I’m not interested in them I can’t hear I just need to go out there and continue my phone call.

Just now I realize that it is these very excuses that might be where I am experiencing my AA problem tonight. Excuses for anything lead to more excuses. Even if the excuse is valid it can create the implication that more excuses can be validated thus disqualifying the lot of excuses. Does that make sense?

So I sit there like a AFC and talk to my friends girlfriend until one of the girls friends, a guy, arrives and they all leave together. OK that blows that set and I never even opened. Hear I am talking on the phone with my friend’s girlfriend and I let two HB8 girls right next to me just walk away.

Then there’s the StarBucks girl who comes out and sits at the other tables where the HS softball girls have recently vacated. She is there with an AFC and an UG from StarBucks, fellow employees. I keep noticing her looking back at me. In my mind I am thinking I can run game here. SteveO just get up and go over there. What should I say? What opener should I use? Dammit, by the time I realize that I am again making excuses she goes inside.

The girl is turning completely around in her chair looking at me, I’m the only one over there, and I don’t even approach! I have nothing left to do but leave alone. I dejected myself tonight and have no one to blame except my excuses and my own fear of AA. Funny thing though, when I was getting gas, the one girl who was in the dress drove by me twice and slowed down both times. She didn’t stop and I didn’t even care for her too I had already lost the game.

What do I make of this and how do I change the outcome? There is a valuable lesson here: regardless of what it is, don’t make excuses for yourself. It’s too easy, just get whatever it is done. Excuses lead to excuses and eventually lead you right back to AA and acting like the AFC. Hell I could even feel my posture getting worse as I made more excuses.