I relate to the Christ. I am the Christ after all, reincarnated as a PUA. After all, if Jesus was alive today wouldn’t he be a PUA and a master at that. Ahh, nothing like a steaming pile of fresh controversy to fuck up your nice new shoes.
I’ve thought about this for a while and I have come to the conclusion that religion serves a purpose. It keeps the week minded masses in line, when they follow cults and radical religions. Take radical muslims for example; If those crazy mother-fuckers aren’t blowing somebody like the jews up to high-holy fucking hell, than they are out with Kalashnikovs smoking their daughters asses for wearing Levi’s. Bitch should have been covered up anyway.
Now the jews on the other hand, they are guided by the hand of almighty God himself and if he says they are to enslave all of Palestine, or kill the rat bastards in the process than who the hell are we to tell them it might just be wrong! I mean God told them it was OK after all in the ten commandments. “Though shall not kill, except those pesky muslim radicals and there families and anybody who might be in the building at the same time, or the next building over too.” See, what I tell you, they are commanded to kill by God the Almighty himself.
The Christians, well they are all fucked up too. The Catholics are the architect of the crusades and lest we forget the inquisition. Damn fuckers should have admitted their guilt and none of that bloodshed would have happened. It was their fault anyway and they deserved to die. Then, of course, we have the Baptists, protestants, 7th dayers, COGIC, and a million other christian denominations all ready to fight to the death for their cause against each other. When the baptists come to my house I love telling them I’m a catholic, or muslim, or whatever the desired flavor of the day is. They argue until I start talking in tongues, rolling my eyes, twitching a bit, bout ready to bust out the car bombs on their asses. Thats always fun to watch.
Don’t even get me started on those fucking mormons either. Let those freaks get a hold of a nuke and we are all fried. They don’t give a shit either, after all they get their own planet where they can rule over as God and come up with their own commandments. Shit, I might just join up with them. Tell you what though, I wouldn’t be no burning bush, I’d be some whacked out shit, like a talking rock that spews acid then give my commandments. All bitches and ho’s are to be naked and horny always. Kill whenever and whomever you want as long as you have the guts to cut those biatches up into little pieces with double sided razor blade.
My commandment would rock!
But instead, here I am on planet earth, just a humble PUA making my way through life, looking for love, but fucking every chick I can along the way. Drinking and boozing and living La Vida Loco, whatever the fuck that means. This all reminds me about a story when I lived in Cliffwood Beach NJ on Amboy Rd. Now, that was a Party house!
My roommate back then Ray, who is currently insane, and I were smoking BONG hits when the door was knocked upon. No cop cars in the driveway so no need to panic yet. Ray answers the door and comes walking back into my room saying its for you. I go to the door and its the Jehovah Witnesses come to save my doomed soul and award me my own planet to be GOD over. Fuck yeah I’m interested. I ask questions: Do I get to deflower the virgins? How bout the dogs? Can I fuck the dogs and then eat them raw, while drinking goats blood? This magic underwear, does it come in blue?
All the while, Ray is in the kitchen on the grinding wheel (we were bachelors. What Bachelor shouldn’t have a grinding wheel in the kitchen) grinding down the knives screaming bloody fucking murder. Needless to say the witnesses witnessed insanity and left. The next day we found pamphlets and flyers littering our property about damnation. Fuck lady, you came here and experienced damnation yourself! Do you really believe your flyers would scare us into changing our wicked ways?
So, if you are still reading this and haven’t puked your chicken dinner with rice, veggies and corn nuggets over the keyboard yet, thus ruining your PC, you’re probably wondering what in fuck is the JunkyFungus rambling on about. Like I said in my view Jesus was a cool dude that wanted to challenge religion. He rebelled against the jews and pagans, muslims and who ever the fuck else got in his way. He cured the sick and was accompanied by women where ever he went. His disciples learned from him, called him master. They weren’t learning about religion my friends, they were learning pick up. The bible? The bible was written hundreds, closer to a thousand years later. They didn’t get it wrong in the bible, they deliberately deceived you into believing that crazy shit, so they could control you.
Jesus had all the control, cause he was a pimping, cool ass mother fucker who practiced Pick Up Artistry and could bang any woman, any time. How do you think he controlled the masses? The mass? The mass was a fucking orgy! The crowds that let the stupid prick ass thieve Barabos go instead of the Christ? Well they were all men, it makes sense. Jesus was fucking all their girlfriends.
Raising the dead: He rose the man from the being dead to women to being a regular pimp. The Blind? He gave them the vision to see women through pick up. Lepers? They just needed to peacock. Walking on water? Its symbology for getting the chick so wet he had to walk on water just to stick his dick into her. All these miracles can be attributed to pick up.
Lets face it: Jesus was a mPUA and most likely would have fucked your sister too.
What’s Hell about? My next blog post I’ll explain how Lucifer was really an anal retentive punk who couldn’t see snatch for snatch so god cast his bitch-ass out. Of course its about suffering with him, there’s no pussy to fuck. Yup, the evidence was conclusive, Jesus is a PUA.
Pray for me Å
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