I mentioned in my last few blog posts that I was suffering with a bad case of Approach Anxiety in any bar. I was determined to beat it and so I’ve been going out the last few nights. On Tuesday I went out to a few bars, there was really not a thing going on, but even so there were a couple of sets I could have opened. My Pick-Up friends will tell you that you don’t have to do pick-up every night, but for me its crucial that I do. To many excuses can be made to not and that was just another excuse for me. I didn’t approach and therefore I didn’t work on my inner game issue of AA.

Last night I went to the Downtown Saucer and when I got there I was determined to open a set. I was the first one there and like clockwork I found a mixed four set. There were two brunettes and two dudes. I was going to use the UFO cub machine and then turn to open them, but the machine was not working. Since they were right there it was the perfect situational opener. I had the two dudes jumping through my compliance hoops trying to get the machine to work. I made friends of them and then opened the obstacle. Easy work!

I managed to isolate the target and get her to comply by moving over to the machine. I had my arm around her, things were moving smoothly. Great right? Nope, because all of a sudden my inner-game issues came a burbling to the top like a giant gas bubble from the cesspool of my darkest recesses. Disgusting right? You damn right it is and annoying too! I could have had that girl easy. She was mine for the taking and those guys never would have known what happened. It wasn’t meant to be though as like I said, my inner game was screaming at me: “JunkyFungus, you can’t have this girl. She is a babe and you’re just fat. She’s going to laugh at you when you move in for a kiss. She’ll pull away and the whole bar will laugh. Ahahahaa I’m even laughing at you. I love you JunkyFungus, listen to me, its your inner voice speaking. There’s no getting away from me. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

Spooky right? Yeah my mind can be just as twisted as yours.

My inner game was screaming with an issue I have been trying to beat for the longest time. Strike that, I have been trying to kick the shit out of for the longest time. Every time I try and get a step ahead, I keep getting that horrible voice challenging me, calling me out on my shit, and putting me down. Many of us have antagonists in our lives, but how many of those antagonists are their own selves. It’s like self-depreciating, self-pity, self-hatred all rolled up in a nice warm bun of mental illness. But every time I try and do something about it, every time I make great progress with women, every time I join a gym, every time I go on a diet, every time I take an action to shut that nagging voice the hell up, it comes back stronger and stronger.

I can’t get away from it, or can I? I remember reading in:
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Collins Business Essentials)
that if you publicize any of your problems or goals, you are more like to achieve them. I’m hoping this works, because I’m about at wits end with this one. I’ve said it already, but in case you missed it, my inner game is screaming at me about my weight issue. Again though, I’ve joined a gym: I pay $30 a month for a two year membership thats already 7 months old and I’ve gone maybe a months worth. I’ve gone on diets, I’ve committed myself before. My second blog post: Ice At The End Of My Straw was all about this same thing. When I was in Los Angeles in January I met the most awesomist Yoga and Life Coach ever. I read her blog daily and she inspired me so much, but why still today is this commitment so elusive?

I ask, maybe as a rhetorical question, but feedback is appreciated, because maybe someone with insight can answer. Is there something wrong with me. I was on a diet once and I had lost nearly 50 lbs and was looking terrific. I was working out every day and life was looking good, and then clear, out of the blue, without reason I just stopped. No reason, except maybe personal sabotage. Do you know, because I sure as hell don’t.

I do know, in my own mind, my inner game is screaming at me. It’s telling me that no woman wants a guy who can’t take care of himself. Shit man, I got mad game! I sleep with lots of women and I’ve had some of the hottest women in Memphis in my bed. I’m an ALPHA mother fucker and I know it, but this inner game, my inner game is all fucked up and needing assistance.

This is my commitment, this is my public announcement of my goal, my Influence changing, life altering pledge to myself that I need to get this area in my life under control. I was able to accomplish what I never thought I would be able to accomplish. I am a master PUA, I am ALPHA, I am going to be famous. By God I am in control of my life.

When I was initially approached by my current job to work for them it was something I didn’t think I wanted to do. I had searched for a job for a while and had finally accepted a position at Terminex (a Service Master company) here in Memphis. The base salary wasn’t really what I had come to expect, but they always try and sell you on the dream. With trendy slogans of “unlimited earning potential,” “opportunity to advance,” “people company.” All NLP keywords integrated into the sales pitch designed to get your internal dream machine into high gear.

I have worked in marketing for over 15 years now and every company does it, so you would think you would become used to it. I distinctly remember telling myself that it’s only a job, so whatever happens, happens. By the third interview I was impressed (or hypnotized) into believing the dream. I remember telling my mom and dad that this was the one. I was finally going to get back on track. This was the avenue and it was going to take me all the way to high society.

It never quite works out that way does it? The day I went in to sign my employment agreement I noticed my salary had been increased by a thousand dollars. WOW, maybe I had found a caring company. The honesty always prevails and I let the HR lady know. Nope, there was no mistake!

My first day at the job I was instructed to be there at 7 a.m. I waited at the front door and the security guard told me that I wasn’t on the list and couldn’t get in until 9 a.m. Waiting always puts a damper on my mood, especially when I live an hour away and that meant I was up at 4:45 a.m. For someone who likes to stay up at night and write, that’s a terrible inconvenience. The position with Terminex only snowballed from there.

By the end of the day, I already dreaded the next days work and the straw that broke the camels back was when HR called me in to tell me they made a horrible mistake. Of course the thousand dollar raise was a mistake and I needed to sign the papers forfeiting the offer or the lady who made the mistake would be FIRED! It always amuses me when people use heart strings to try and garner support for their cause even when the outcome is against myself. I believe those tactics to be underhanded and I made my decision there that I would look for another job.

I had been doing some consulting work, more as a favor, for my current job and they had asked me to work for them repeatedly. I had some reservations about the workloads and knew if I took it they too would be selling a dream for the big payoff down the road. The only difference was that I believed in them and knew the payoff would eventually come if I was to stick with them. I have a tremendous loyalty to people I believe in and trust.

I consider my boss more a friend than anything else first and foremost. When I told her about my experience she was like “That’s it your working for me.” I know it sounds silly but I did fight it. I knew the hours would be long, the work overwhelming, the dream close, but always one step beyond my reach. I’m certain that one day the company, successful already, will meet its goals and the dream will be fulfilled. I called Terminex and resigned my position the next day.

My days working started as exciting and I felt as if I was apart of something. I knew the road lead to the dreams and aspirations of what I had been told. This was going to be the vehicle that took me on my journey and I knew my hard-work, loyalty, dedication would be recognized. I was asked to go to seminars and am living a whirlwind life. I travel the country, speak with incredible people, masters of their realms, and yet that lingering doubt still waits in the corner, hanging on every thought, every breath as if it is waiting for the opportunity to reek havoc upon my life.

I start to wonder if I am appreciated and if the countless hours I put in every day are going unnoticed. My boss adds more tasks every day and I know that they are integral, but I feel stagnated by my own performance. I am bored. I was hired on because we are about to move in a new and exciting direction with our products and yet I am stuck doing client services everyday. I know how important it can be, and I am continuously reminded how valued I am.

Look at the big picture and where we want to be. In order for that to happen you have to get this done. More and more work is added and yet my day already consists of 14 to 15 hours. Sometimes so many more. I am questioned on what I did during the day, what is my work flow? All important, but the very act of working out a work flow is also over burdening when I am already overworked on the minutia. I know there will be rewards in the future for my efforts, but what about rewards now? I am going to be asking for a raise effective immediately.

I keep hearing about how we hired this guy, and bought into this program. Then there’s such and such who has done this and will do this for us. That’s funny, all these guys will be doing this for us, but I am already doing it. Dreams are always a nice thing, but too many times I have worked for the dream and no money. I have practically given up my social life to work this awesome job that I love and I do absolutely love my job, but my bills don’t!

I’m sitting at BuckyStars, I come here nightly to unwind and for a change of pace. I always bring my MacBook Pro and you guessed it right, working on those things I couldn’t get done during the day. Tonight I treated myself and decided I deserved a “sugary delight.” I bought myself a caramel frapacino with an oatmeal raisin cookie. I tell myself that every once in a while I deserve a treat for my hard work. I stick to my diet and do crunches practically every day.

I sat on a couch, opened the laptop prepared to work the three hours I had before they closed. Thursdays are never busy in there, because most people go out and party on Thursdays. I used to too, but there’s so much to get done. I leaned back on the couch, and brought the straw to my mouth. The first wave of sugary delight ran past my lips, over my tongue. Embracing my taste buds with delightful happiness and bliss. Ahh yes, this was indeed heaven.

I gulped my first sip down and went for two and something happened to rip me from my heavenly state. A tiny chunk of ice, an intruder, an interloper had invaded the tiny opening on the bottom of my straw and blocked the flow of liquid divinity from taking me away to exquisite glory. That special moment would be ruined between us and all because a tiny chunk of ice that had blocked the stream.

I picked up the straw and in a sawing motion I moved it up and down in my drink. It made that distinct er, er, er, er sound as the plastic green straw moved through the punched out hole in the clear plastic lid. I took another sip expecting my moment to be recaptured and life to once again return to the brilliance of nutritionally unhealthy, but oh so good happiness. What’s this? The damn ice still blocked my straw, thus blocking the very happiness of my soul.

Something at this moment occurred to me that would have a profound lasting effect on my life from that moment forward. With a little ingenuity and contemplation all I had to do was blow back into the straw, dislodging the ice and I would once again be able to resume the course I was on.

It was here though that the question came to be pondered. Exactly what course was I on? Had I really been sticking to my diet and was I doing crunches every night? The answer to both these questions, although could have been yes, was really no. Sure I haven’t eaten carbs, or as many carbs as I used to. I do about 60 crunches almost every day. Is it enough? Am I being true to myself?

I really sat and thought about it a good while and although the answer could just as easily been yes, the truth really had to be a resounding NO! I could think of countless ways I could not only cut out more carbohydrates, but there was so much else I could be doing. I should be walking everyday, like I already committed to myself to do. I should be doing the Yoga exercise that Andrea taught me in California. She went out of her way to guide me and yet somehow I strayed away again.

That tiny chunk of ice is a reflection of what life is. There is so much sensory overload with what we come to associate with “heavenly bliss” already in our straws. We feed ourselves through the straw with sodas, sweet teas, ice cream shakes, sugar enhanced fruit juices, pure sugar crap and then there’s that tiny piece of ice that blocks everything off. We work so diligently to clear that blockage out, trying everything just so we can get back on our junk, our drug of choice. We saw it up and down, er, er, er, er, shake the cup, tap it and rock it, and finally blow a little back through the straw just so we can start the flow back again.

So as I sat there contemplating my serious addiction to fat, disease, diabetes, gout, death (isn’t that what we seek when we are addicted to sugars and poor nutrition?) I asked myself just how hard would it be to blow back down on the ice that blocks us from our dreams, our goals, our true desires? Why is it so easy to work so hard to do something as terrible for you as a food addiction and yet we are so quick to make excuses to not exercise.

I woke up this morning after another night on Beale Street and I feel like a new person. I would have to say that although Beale Street was a let-down last night I still feel as if I accomplished something good for myself. Before I go into the life changes that are taking place, I need to lay down the particulars of a night of unsuccessful sarging.

Massentropy and myself went to Beale Street to work on our sarging skills. If you are reading this and are unsure what sarging is than please read previous posts on PUA skills. Anyway, Beale Street is usually target rich with pretty young females, but last night, especially for a Friday, it was pretty dead. There just wasn’t a lot of people there.

Now, with that said, I can look back and realize the sets that were there could have been opened, but my own inner-game issues prevented me from opening. In actuality there where lots and lots of sets to be opened, but it wasn’t approach anxiety that got the best of me. I have come to the conclusion that my weight has prevented me from picking up women.

In actuality some might say, looks are only a part of the game and to that I would say you are correct. To me, however, my epiphany comes from realizing that my inner game has surfaced an internal issue that must be resolved. Although the game is played in the field, the most valuable tool we have as players in this game are confidence. Confidence is brought forth as a deeper level of inner game security and to me it is a damaged sub-conscience issue of knowing that I am fat and need to change this personal image of myself.

The good news, at least for me, is recognizing where this self defeating doubt bubbles up from dark recesses of the soul pushing forward as a defeatist personality defect that in itself is able to be fixed. I hold this image of myself from years of failures in life. These failures are an integral part of life and must be used as the steps to climb forth either as a pit of lost years of life that bind me down to repeat the same mistakes and fall to pity, OR, as a stepping stone to lift myself up and push forward and build upon the failures as a cornerstone. To say this is where I come from and I have made it here from mistakes and now I stand upon the highest ground looking forward to the horizon of endless possibilities before me.

For years I was rejected by the very women I adored. I tried to supplicate them with gifts and used the nice-guy persona to build trust and confidence, but my trust and confidence, was built upon deceit and thus doomed to ultimate failure. It was doomed because I attempted to use friendships as the cornerstone to build comfort for an ultimate attempt to gather the required comfort needed to get her to want to be with me.

I think in all of our lives we are put into the friend zone and although our friendships with anyone should be cherished as friendships, somewhere, as a guy, we say to ourselves this is cool, it’s OK, and yet in our sub-conscience, we are building the friendship in deceitful fashion to obtain the ultimate goal of getting the girl.

So the many, times I was put into the friendship zone because I lacked the knowledge of the “super-power,” as PFC calls it, I built this wall of denial around my inner being, which in turn manifested itself into layers upon layers of fat. I would tell myself their had to be a problem with who I was as a person so in essence my mind manifested my lack of self worth and built it into a reality by becoming the person I thought I needed to be to compensate why the women I was attracted to weren’t attracted to me.

It wasn’t that I didn’t have the Super-Power, for that I know I always had. It simply wasn’t strong enough to break forth from those chains that held it blindly in a dark recess of my inner self. All I needed was the JUICE to fill my Super Power tanks so that the true JunkyFungus could spring forth and take the world over and save it from the AFC’s that walk blindly where I have been before.